I'm actually going to use this..

I'm going to have a massive motherfucking rant because I am feeling sooooooo SHIT! I haven't felt this shit in ages. And I'm going to do it here because none of my friends from school have me on here so my bessies won't find out and get 'concerned' about me. 
So i'm going to be completely trueful and actually say what I usually keep couped up because I know what my friends usually say - The whole fucking lecture shit. LOOK MATE! I THINK I KNOW! I STILL DIP INTO FUCKING DEPRESSION EVERY NOW AND THEN! One of them being now.
I'm actually scaring myself. I am so fucking miserable. I'm crying. Ok, big deal, I'm crying. But I don't cry. I always have fucking walls that stop me. Even when I'm on my own. I'm worse than a fucking guy. [sorry to be so stereotypical] But right now, they've crumbled. And I ahte it because it's not a good old cry. It's just a few sobs that are completely dry. No fucking tears. You don't know how frustrating that is. And I'm actually scaring myself not because I'm crying but because I feel so fucking miserable that I actually have had a few thoughts about slitting my wrists. I mean....shit. I will never never NEVER EVER fucking do that again. It fucking hurts in the shower afterwards. I just want to lash out and I can't because stupid parents are downstairs. I then thought hey! you're 18 now, you can get some alcohol. I'm not going to go down that fucking road neither. 
Helen, you are much stronger than this. Get your fucking act together.
Thing is, I have no motivation at the moment. School has drained me. They're pressuring me and I'm trying so fucking hard. Last year, I did shit in PE as level. I got an E. They want to try and get that up a C. Two grades.
TWO FUCKING GRADES!
And I have tried so fucking hard. I've put so much effort into it. I've hardly thought about Media or Drama which I want to both try and get an A in. And those subjects both involve teamwork and I just keep thinking I'm not putting any effort in and am going to let my team down. And do you know what...I'm still fucking behind in PE. I still don't get the work. I try working at home but because I'm working all the time at school, in both my frees too, my brain is so dead that I think fuck it. And then my parents moan at me constantly being on here, constantly seeing me on TAM. Well HELLO! I DO NEED A FUCKING BREAK!
I don't think the shifts that I now work help meaning that I only actually get ONE night off out of the whole week. But it's only 3 hour shifts and I need that money. for all the festivals next year and gigs that I want to go to and to start saving up for New York so I get out of THIS GOD DAMN FUCKING PLACE! 
AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHH!UIJEGBRVUIRW8IGBRGOW'P3YT [05B6.34/QO0P-ILHGCD
FUCK!
I haven't felt like this in a long time. And I keep thinking back to the time when I first cut myself. which is not helping. It's just making me scream inside all the more. NO! HELEN! FUCK! STOP IT! 
I just want to run away. 

And it's been a fucking great week too! I had my 18th birthday. Went out with my mate, Mike. Love him to bits. And then had my party. Played for the 1s [hockey team] the next day. Then Thursday saw MCR. SO GOOD. Then saturday played for the 1s and played the best I've played all season. 
And now I'm like this. 
Fucking great.

That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. 

Fucking great.